Passion to last a lifetime depends as much on emotional connection as it does on hormones. Sexual chemistry is matching between a man and woman, of some deeply primitive body language plus few delicious mysteries of timing and taste.
But great sex that lasts a life time is more than just instant chemistry. It is generally coaxed into life by a slow-growing intimacy, which is tested and steeled in the crucible of caring and experience and which there is nothing to stop from improving with age.
What makes for lifelong sexual enjoyment and expertise? No acrobatic skills in the bedroom or the ability to achieve night long erections. Biology and instinct play a wonderfully exciting part in sex but great sex is a matter of not only the libido but also the heart. That means the emotions and it means communication. But, before even that, there is something else.
Love cannot be good without the knowledge of the body: Skillful lovers know how the body works they know the basics about anatomy and sexual stimulation. Good male lovers know, for instance that it’s the clitoris that is the most exquisitely sensitive female genital organ, not the vagina. They know that the inner two thirds of vagina are relatively insensitive to stimulation.
And good female lovers know that stimulation along the length of the penis is more effective than along the top; they know that the tip of the penis is relatively insensitive, compared to the sexual pleasure that male receives from caressing of the scrotum.
Such knowledge makes lovers more confident and comfortable with each other’s bodies. It comes from reading the right books and seeing the right films and also from sexual experience itself – if you’re willing to learn.
But an A in anatomy does not in itself guarantee sexual fulfillment.
Good lovers are sensitive to each other’s sexual needs, desires and disinclinations: Each is aware of the other’s erogenous zones; does not try to force the other into sexual activity that she or he indicates a distinct dislike for e.g. oral-genital stimulation; and is responsive to the other’s mood, knowing that at times a person may only want to receive and at other times many mainly want to provide pleasure.
And if problems do arise, considerate lovers intuitively appreciate that the answer lies in discussing and dealing with the problem, not in deciding blame.
Great sex is responsive, expressive and spontaneous: It is not enough to just “Co-operate” with your partner. Both of you must emotionally involved in the love making. Responsiveness is a delightfully vicious cycle, and it’s the basic principle of sexual combustion.
To be carefree in bed and to abandon yourself to sensitivity, your mind must be free of tension, of other pre-occupations (such as the project report you have to submit next week) and of other dampening inhibitions. You must sexually secure with your partner.
There’s one thing that helps you make the transition from being in a sexy mood to reaching the point of no return: Great sex does.
Sexual excitement is possible without arriving at climax. There is whole range of possibilities – kissing, caressing, cuddling, and fondling even just drifting off to sleep in each other’s arms. Don’t limit the experience to just intercourse. In other words, don’t take intercourse so seriously.
In fact, don’t get serious in bed, period: Great sex is great fun.
Playful spontaneity is its essence that doesn’t mean whips and other variations on the S & M theme. It means happy mischief-making, indulgence, exchanging. Sex jokes and personal anecdotes and may be on a special occasion even champagne breaks. Great sex means anything that makes for variety, novelty and sheer fun.
At its best playful tenderness extends beyond the bedroom boundaries: Great lovers are great lovers out of bed too.
You know you’ve got grand thing going when your lover does irresistibly indulgent things like giving you a neck rub when you don’t ask, calls you during her lunch break just to tell she loves you, washes your hair in the shower and never mentions all those imperfections that your mirror confirms.
To put it another way, great lovers are first of great friends. They make you feel good about yourself, and by getting your sexual self-esteem soaring they bring you the confidence that translates into sex appeal.
But isn’t all this only as long as you’re young and your hormones are in overdrive? No, it isn’t: Good sex can get better with time.
It’s true that testosterone production beginning from 30 years on and that means more direct stimulation is needed to bring on an erection. Similarly by 50 a woman will either approaching or will have gone through menopause, with her sexual hormones falling precipitously.
But, in the case of men, good lovers know that erections are not necessary for love making, for ejaculation or for their partner’s orgasm. Erections are essential only for intercourse. And intercourse – remember – is just one dimension of sexual intimacy.
Although declining hormone levels to tend to cause vaginal dryness in the case of women, regular sexual activity apparently combats the condition effectively. Relieved of pregnancy worries, many menopausal women find sex more pleasurable. Sex researchers have found out that female orgasms tend to get better with age because it is partly “a learning process”.
Great sex that lasts a life-time doesn’t just happen. Nothing worthwhile ever does. But it’s worth working towards because mediocre sex is worse than no sex at all.